It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
