your parents love me but you hate me
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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