The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
