How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
