I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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