I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
