make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
