Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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