I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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