if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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