My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
