I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
