So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
