I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
this hospital has no fireball
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
