He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Can you bring me the toilet please
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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