after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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