I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
