my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am naked and annoyed.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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