I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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