i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
