I must be too annoying 4 u.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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