What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
