A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Randomize
