were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I want her autograph on my taint
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Randomize
