arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
