Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
