the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
