i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
