the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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