yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
