I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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