I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Randomize
