Do you still have your period?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
