mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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