WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
