dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
