Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
