I faked an abortion last night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
