I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
