i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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