Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The Olympian is in my bed
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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