watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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