She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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