she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
