the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
