just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
