i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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