Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
