just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
