took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
